Rexly The Randy Reindeer

an excerpt

Chapter One

Hello, my name is Mr. Narwhal and while I may be stuck living in the ocean around the North Pole, I still see a lot more than you would think. For example, let me tell you about a certain reindeer who has been the talk of the town lately. We like to call him Rexly the Randy Reindeer.

Most of those who live in North Pole love Christmas, but not Rexly the Reindeer. While the rest can't get enough caroling, he wanted to cuss whenever he heard the beginning strings of Jingle Bells. While they love sugar cookies, he wanted to vomit before he tasted another lick of icing. While they adore watching It's a Wonderful Life, he wanted to strangle George Bailey. In short, he wanted to stick his foot up Christmas' ass and he wasn't shy about hiding the fact.

Before this story goes on, the dear reader needs to know a few things. First of all, Santa's reindeer aren't normal. Not only can they fly, but they can shift into human. In fact, the only time they stayed in their animal form for a long time was on Christmas Eve when they helped Santa make his delivery of toys. Second, Rexly wasn't like the other reindeer, not only did he lack the Christmas spirit, but he was...well, one could say, he was a misfit.

For one thing, he was very naughty. While the other reindeer were out playing their proper games, Rexly was making up his own kind. Ones that required one be very, very bendy and very, very naked. It usually required there be a lot of other players, too. Then there was the kind that required smoking the green leaves. Not the ones that had the poinsettia berries on them, either. This kind made Rexly very giggly and happy, though. I don't know what it is for sure. But, Santa and Donner always seemed to get cross when they caught Rexly with it, so it must not have been a good thing.

There was another thing about Rexly, though. One thing that really separated him from the rest of the herd. It was so bad that everybody spoke about it in whispers and looked at his parents in pity whenever they came around. Not even Rudolph's parents had felt such shame. And that said a lot. Maybe that's why Rexly was such a bad reindeer, some said. After all, what did he have to lose? You see, it wasn't every day that a reindeer couldn't shift.

All right, that wasn't totally true. Rexly could shift, some. His tail and ears could pop through, but that was it. But, in the end that was useless. What help was that to Santa? He couldn't pull a sleigh or go to a mall to entertain the kids. So, Rexly was as much as a misfit as ever. Worse, he was a misfit who was a trouble maker. Everybody knew his days were numbered.

It came as no surprise when Santa packed him off to the Island of Misfit Toys. Especially this Narwhal. I sat in my little pool of water and watched as they bundled poor Rexly into the sleigh and got him ready to go. Sad thing. He looked so miserable. He really was a cute little thing when he wasn't making trouble. His floppy brown hair, with heavy blond streaks in it was covered with snowflakes. His blue eyes sparkled with unshed tears and his pert nose was red. Be it from crying or the cold, was a mystery.

Rexly didn't wear the official uniform of the reindeer anymore. Instead he had on a heavy brown coat and a pair of blue jeans that seemed to swallow up his thin frame. His bow lips were trembling, but for once he didn't have anything smart to say. Instead he just sat down next to the elf who was driving him.

I lifted a fin in a goodbye, Rexly returned the gesture, but didn't say anything. The sleigh took off and that was the last I ever saw of him. After that, the North Pole got to be a lot more boring. I'll bet the Island of Misfit Toys grew more lively, though. I wonder whatever happened to Rexly. I hope good things came his way.

****

Rexly walked into the great hall of the castle like building on the Island of Misfit Toys. He had to admit that it wasn't exactly what he'd been expecting. The building was a lot nicer than anything on the North Pole. It looked like a damn palace only a lot cooler with its multi-color pillars, cotton candy trees and rainbow ponds that surrounded the area. It was almost like a cross between a Pride Parade and a villa for Cher. Normally Rexly would have been on cloud nine to see the place. At the moment, he was so sad he barely cared.

He drew his coat around him as a gust of wind kicked up. Why, oh, why, couldn't this damn island be like all the others and be tropical? At least then his exile would have at least one upside. But, no. His unlucky ass still got to freeze itself off. And since he couldn't even shift, he couldn't even have a built in fur coat to protect himself. He'd probably die of frost bite before the year was out and nobody would even mourn him. Well, maybe Cronkle the Elf would, but that's only because Rexly was the only one who could take every inch of him in without gagging. Because, unlike all the cartoons shows, elves were the same size as humans and the same went for their dicks.

"I'm dropping you off here," Tinkles the Elf said, his ever present scowl on his face.

"Wait! You're not going in with me?" Rexly asked.

"He's expecting you and already waiting for you inside. If I were you, I'd be on my best behavior. If you're capable of that." Tinkles snorted.

"Is this because I didn't invite you to that orgy? It's only because you never participate. All you do is stand there and stare and it was starting to creep the others out. Nobody likes a peeper, Tinkles," Rexly retorted.

"Things will be much better with you gone. Now you're parents won't have to hang their heads in shame."

Those words stuck like a barb in Rexly's heart. He even took a few steps back. Which was enough for Tinkles to pull the sleigh away and take off. Soon Rexly was alone in the dark. The only light came from the Pride Castle. Strange thing was, he had no desire to go to the bright, shiny place for once. He'd much rather stay in the cold dark for the rest of his life if need be. Anything than face what was going to be the rest of his life.

But, it wasn't as if he could put it off. Eventually, he'd have to eat and he did like his food. He angrily kicked at the snow. He still couldn't believe Santa had sentenced him to spend the rest of his years on Misfit Island. All just because Rexly liked to have some fun, then and again. Okay, it was more often than not, but it wasn't like he was hurting anybody. In fact, everybody liked his type of games. Except for a few stiff shirts who had to ruin everything.

As for him not being able to shift, it wasn't his fault. He'd been born that way. It wasn't as if he was doing it to be belligerent or naughty. He was just a bit broken. Yet, everybody had to treat him like he had leprosy or something. It'd been that way since Rexly been little, too. Even the teachers had been mean. They'd put his desk alone in the corner of the room, like he'd infect the rest of the students. At recess, all the other reindeer weren't allowed to play or talk to him. Not even the school staff would give him the time-of-day. Rexly had been the smartest one in his class and always knew the answers, yet they'd never called on him when he'd raised his hand. Instead, they'd acted like he wasn't there. He may as well have been a toot in the wind as far as they were concerned.

It continued when they graduated. While all the other reindeer went on to sleigh training, he'd been assigned to mucking out the stables. That meant cleaning up after the real animals, not the shifters. So, he got to know the horses super well. While he despised cleaning up the crap, he didn't mind the creatures too much. At least they didn't judge him. They treated him like they would any other human or shifter.

It was around that time that Rexly found a way to make the others like him, too. Not the reindeer. They never did come around. But, he got the others in the North Pole to become his buddies and then some. All Rexly had to do was be naughty. In every way possible. There wasn't much he wouldn't do to get some attention, either.

One would think it would be hard to find trouble in the North Pole, but that simply wasn't true. Talk to the right elf or stable master and one could get anything. While Rexly didn't want to touch any of the hard drugs, he didn't mind some weed and whiskey. He wasn't above using a sex toy or four, either. Before he knew it he was the reindeer who was known for throwing the party every weekend. He'd thrown some on a weekday here or there, as well.

For a while, nobody on the top said a thing. Maybe, they weren't aware of what was going on. Or it could be they didn't mind if the peasants let loose, just so long as they got the job done. Eventually, though, the partying got out of hand and they started cracking down. Maybe it was the time that Peppermint the Elf passed out on the toy line and her skirt flipped over her head. Like it was Rexly's fault she'd forgotten to wear panties that day.

Or it could have been the time the hung-over stable boy forgot to hook Rudolph's lines to the sleigh. The goodie two shoes reindeer had taken off, expecting to have the weight of the sleigh behind him. Instead, there was nothing but air and he had crashed into a nearby lake, scaring the whale so bad he'd peed all over. While that had been funny as hell in Rexly's opinion it'd gotten him into a ton of trouble. Even though he hadn't even been there at the time. Santa had blamed him for supplying the booze in the first place.

Finally, after several incidents like that, Santa had sentenced Rexly to the Island. They'd had a trial and everything. The worst of all, his own parents had testified against him. He was pretty sure he got his not-being-able-to-shift-gene from one of them. It was how that kind of thing worked. At least he was pretty sure. After the teachers stopped calling on him, he pretty much checked out in school.

He tugged his ugly, ass coat around him tighter and glared up at the castled. All his life he'd heard about the Island of Misfit Toys. It's where the toys that were broken or irregular went because no child wanted them. To Rexly it always seemed a bit cruel. He was sure that if Santa had tried harder he could find some child that would want them.

Sure, sure, sure, there was that one year that he and Rudolph helped out some of them. But that was it. It was for some show. After that Santa and Rudolph had gone on their way and never came back. The pile of neglected toys had built back up and nobody cared anymore. In a way, it was kind of fitting Rexly ended up here. He was a misfit, too. Some would say it was even fate. That he'd been intended for this place all along.

"May as well get this over with," he said to himself.

He walked up to the castle. As he approached, he glanced up at the numerous windows, wondering if anyone was staring out at him. He guessed he had to be the first reindeer ever sent here. Then again, who cared? He couldn't even shift, so he may as well be human.

He knocked on the door and waited, but of course, nobody answered. He shivered and knocked again, this time rapping so hard his knuckles hurt. Again nobody answered. Okay, things were starting to get a bit ridic. He was so cold by that point he had to pee really badly. It was either find a way inside of relieve himself by one of the tacky trees. Call him crazy, but that was not the first impression he wanted to make. They probably already sent a detailed report about his previous activities ahead of him. He didn't need any more checkmarks against him, thank you very much.

Just as he was debating his options, the door opened to reveal a frigging doll standing there. And no, he didn't mean a vamping loo-ing woman. There was an actual frigging rag doll standing there. She even had yarn hair and button eyes. And if that wasn't scary enough, she wore a red prairie dress that had green patches on it.

"Hello, Little House on the Prairie," Rexly drawled.

"You must be the naughty reindeer. We've been expecting you," the doll replied in a squeaky voice.

"Why are you here?" he asked.

"I leak stuffing," she replied as she turned to walk away.

No sooner had she said that when a large lump of cotton appeared from her back and dropped on the black tile floor. Rexly stared for a moment, horrified, as he wondered what to do. Should he pick it up and hand it to her or ignore it? He'd never faced this kind of situation before, so he wasn't sure what the polite thing to do was. Damn it, why hadn't they covered this in etiquette class?

"Just leave it," the doll said, never glancing back. "The guards will gather it and return it to me at the end of the day."

"Okay, good to know. Does it hurt?" Rexly asked.

"No. I've had it all my life. So, I'm used to it. Does it hurt for you?"

"What?" Rexly asked cautiously.

"When you don't shift?"

"Not physically," he replied.

It didn't hurt him that way. It was the teasing and taunting that did him in. Sometimes the mental pain was a lot worse. Funny how it worked that way. But, they never really talked about that, did they?

"But, it's not nice when they laugh at you," the doll said.

Rexly was so shocked by that statement he almost slipped and fell. He gained his footing then glared at her. He never asked for a Dr. Phil in felt form. He'd made it just fine dealing with all of his mental crap on his own. Sure, it was tough, but he managed. The last thing he was going to do was share his angst with a misfit. Even if they had dubbed him a misfit, too.

"I'm fine," Rexly said.

"Fine, then let's take you to meet the King."

"Bring it on."